Sexual Harassment

I’m writing this post because I recently read a shocking article about one of my old bosses. For the sake of anonymity I’m not going to link the article but I had a lot of thoughts about it that I needed to get out.

The article brings up how a colleague in the department brought up sexual harassment allegations to the university and the university failed to punish or frankly do anything about the professor who these allegations were made against. When I saw the article and clicked it, my heart dropped. I knew every single person who was named in the article. I interacted with them in one way or another in my two years working there. I had passed by them in the hallways. I had sat in meeting with them. I sent them e-mails. I had no idea they were subjected to this kind of behavior and I had no idea what they had suffered through. I have been reflecting a lot the past 24 hours about my time there and the experiences I had, that were not enough to talk to anyone outside of my friends about but were enough to make an impact that I remember these memories to this day.

During my last few years of college I worked as a research assistant to a PI collecting data, reading papers, and learning how to analyze data. I was offered a lab manager position for her new lab that she was starting but due to funding it would have to be part time and I would split my time with another lab. I interviewed with my other boss just so he could get a sense of what I was like. I remember coming in and one of the first things he asked me is if I’m from California due to my uptalk. We interviewed. It was fine and I started my position. I was really excited to have this role and to have my first real job out of college. Some of the earlier days were filled with stresses of moving into our new lab space, recruiting subjects, and dealing with the RSRB/IRB. I had been a part of some of the lab parties at my bosses house. I would stop by for the meal, bring a dish, talk to whoever was there, and leave relatively early to go see my other friends. I never thought anything of these get togethers. I thought all labs were this close and all PIs invited their grad students over for potlucks or go out to the bar close by. It wasn’t until I read the EEOC that I saw that he used this as a social power tactic to invite who he wanted to his house. While things may have changed since the early days of him being in the lab, I thought everyone who worked in the lab was usually invited and I never questioned who was or was not there.

There was one time I was leaving to go on vacation I had sent out an e-mail saying that I was going to be gone that week to go on a vacation and I got an e-mail back with my boss asking me if I was going to be partying the whole time, with which I responded no I’m going on vacation with my sister. It was an odd e-mail but not odd enough to say anything to anyone. I just mentioned it to some of my friends about how weird it was and that was it.

I had a lunch conversation one time with my main boss and another lab manager about catcalling. The lab manager and I were very adamant about the view that cat calling is a form of harassment and is a way to assert power, dominance, and fear into the subject he is calling after. A week or more later I had a meeting after hours at work with my male boss. I forget what it was about but what I do remember is as I was about to leave he made a comment to me, “When you were going to enter the room I was at first going to say ‘Hey baby, what’s up?'” and I was thrown off. Why would you greet me like that? What is the purpose of you saying that? Then he went on to explain that my other boss has mentioned the conversation to him and how strongly I felt that this was harassing behavior. He then proceeded to say how in other cultures it is okay to say these things and that it’s actually part of the way that you court a person. I retaliated with it’s a power dynamic and instills fear and especially if the person doesn’t want to be called after, it is not okay culturally or not. He then proceeded to argue his point in a way that I felt inferior and felt that because he was making a more logical argument than me that I had to agree.

I had heard from one grad student that he would openly say that sometimes he has to remember that I’m smart due to the way that I talk. He openly mocked my uptalk/ upstate accent and said that it was winning out (Because linguistically the uptalk accent is moving across the country). I get incredibly self conscious about the way I sound and the way I speak. I get upset that even though I have a dual bachelors degree, a masters degree from a pristine University, that when people see me or hear me they dismiss everything about me and do not think I’m smart or capable, just because of the way I talk. I see how that is also a power move on his part to instill that idea into multiple grad students heads to then discount what I say or what I do. I know I’m not the perfect person or employee but my worth and intelligence should not be based on the way I speak.

I thought a lot the past 24 hours about silence. What is means to be silent and how all of the sexual harassment had been going on for 10 years and I had no idea that our department was going through this. How the colleague had suffered through being hit on, manipulated into living with him because he knew her economic situation, and the invasion of privacy that he felt compelled to take away from her. How many other people are quietly suffering but can’t do anything because the person is in power? How many other people are staying silent and don’t know who to turn to. I’ve had conversations with multiple of my friends who have been raped, sexually harassed, and belittled for the way they look or talk. Everyone blames it on themselves. Even when they try to report it they are not believed. Even when they talk to their other friends about it, some will claim “that wasn’t rape.” When I told about my rape to a friend he was glad I didn’t say anything to anyone about the guy that did it to me because I would be putting his life and career at risk. But my silence has probably harmed other people.

In my current position I’ve had incident where I met a customer and when he was incredibly drunk he would not leave me alone. I thankfully told another co-worker and he kept himself between us and I knew when to walk away but even later on in that week I had heard how that same person was also incredibly drunk and was touching this girl inappropriately and she felt bad that she didn’t want to leave. Thankfully two of my co-workers recognized that there was a situation and got her out of it. But she could have been a victim, I could have been a victim. But there’s not enough proof in order to say anything or report anything.

The problem I have with the University is that it prides itself on being supportive and inclusive of it’s students. But when it comes time to defend the students, it fails. It takes into question their allegations. I’m still trying to comprehend what the University gains by defending this professor when multiple renowned professors will be leaving due to this. What does he have that is worth protecting? Why is he worth protecting but not us?


Nobody Listens to Techno (pt 2)

I’m honestly writing this post because part 1 was sitting in my drafts for so long that when I actually posted it, it didn’t pop up as the first story. Instead it got lost in all the other posts of random guys. So, go read that first and then come here and read about this guy. He actually turned out to be really shitty and awful but we’ll get to that.

So you read that other post right? You have all the context and background to continue on with this story… I don’t blame you. I probably wouldn’t go read it first anyways. You’re here already. Why would you? Anyways, after my previous encounter the night before I came back to my friend’s apartment, showered, and checked my Hinge. At that time in my life I was again kind of desperate and decided to download a dating app called Hinge. It’s friends of friends… What could go wrong? The person that I meet on this app probably won’t suck. We should at least have a few things in common because we have friends in common. Well I matched with this one guy and we started talking. After asking me what I was up to I told him how I was on my way to a music festival. He told me how he had gotten a pass and was planning on cleaning his room but he would make his way up to the festival instead. Anything to get laid, amiright?

This is where I kind of regret what I did. I took something and I decided to meet him. I made a huge mistake. I thought it was a good idea to take drugs and then go meet up with some guy I met on an app. Sorry Mom. All those things you taught me, flew out the window. So I met up with him and told him about what I did. The funny thing was that my friends were trailing me just to make sure that the meeting went okay. And why wouldn’t the meeting go well? I was feeling the best that I could ever feel while I was meeting a complete stranger. Mistake number 1. So we ended up going to some beer tent and my friends went back to a different stage to check out the music because everything looked fine and I didn’t give a signal that I was in distress… I thought this guy was amazing. I didn’t see any of the warning signs. How could I? So eventually we walked to a different stage and we ran into my friends. This was warning sign number 2. He didn’t even care to meet them, talk to them, he just brushed them off and tried to get me away from them as soon as possible. But I wasn’t aware of what had happened. I wasn’t aware that he didn’t want all of us to spend time together. Instead he took me into the crowd and I didn’t care. I was enjoying the music, the sounds, the sunset, taking everything in. And he took his opportunity and kissed me and I enjoyed that too. We eventually went back to his place, quickly detouring to pick up a few things from my friends apartment, and then taking the subway into Brooklyn. He made a comment about how small my friends apartment was and could only talk about how relatively little he paid for his apartment in Brooklyn. At least I made a smart decision in texting my friends the address that I was going to.

I don’t know if you can’t tell but I actually do not have fond memories of this guy. He was just pretty shitty and I look back at him taking advantage of a situation. So after we got to his apartment and had hooked up, I thought I was in love. I was also on drugs that made you think you’re in love with people. I didn’t realize my mistake until weeks later. So he took me out for burgers, we went back to his place and watched some show, and I took the subway back to grab my stuff and took a bus back home. He asked me to stay one more night and I said no. So after that 6 hour ride back home and passing out on the bus I never thought I would talk to him again. But then something strange happened. He called me. And I really enjoyed our phone conversation. He gave me a recipe for a taco seasoning and I tried it out. I thought I was in love. But I was riding the after effects.

So this went on and I told him I would visit him. I would come back to NYC and spend time with him in a few weekends. But then things started to go dark. I was still in my graduate program and stressed. He told me about all the fun events he was going to, his bar-tending lifestyle, and how my life was boring. He shoved it in my face the fun things I could be doing instead of homework… And it started to make me feel bad. I enjoyed what I was studying. I enjoyed the ambition I had. I enjoyed that maybe I’m not seeing a famous person attend the event he was at but I really liked the graphs I was creating. And it bothered me. It bothered me that he didn’t support me in what I wanted to do. But he still wanted me to come spend the weekend with him. And he kept being unsupportive of my dreams and continued calling me. Soon those drug after effects wore off after two weeks and I started to get a bad feeling in my stomach. I didn’t want to pick up the phone when he called. I didn’t want to spend the weekend with him.

So my fall break came and I told him the news. I was not going to stay with him. And we got into a fight. I started making excuses as to why and then just straight up told him. I didn’t want to spend that much time with him. Instead I was going to stay with my other good friend at her apartment. I’m glad I made that decision over seeing him again. I felt so anxious and sick and upset at the thought of seeing him again that I just couldn’t do it. Instead of spending the weekend in his room, I spent it at a pickle festival and eating pizza, and taking photos in front of murals. I spent it with someone who  I actually cared about (SHOUT OUT), who supported me in my tough times, who cared about me, and who just loved unconditionally. I’m glad I spent it with a really good friend instead of some guy who I met high at a music festival, who didn’t care about me, who seemed possessive and controlling. He kept texting me the whole weekend to come to the bar he was working at, he kept texting me asking about the things I was planning on doing that weekend, and he just wouldn’t leave me alone. I stopped responding.

I left to go back to classes, tests, returning home exhausted, and choosing sleep over everything else. After that weekend he kept contacting me. He kept texting me and we got into a huge fight and I told him how I didn’t want to spend time with him. I was so upset. I look back at it.  I barely knew this guy and he made me feel really bad about myself, and stressed out. I had seen him in person once and he reduced me to tears. I remember how excited I was at first about him and then how wrong I turned out to be. But drugs man. They’re something. I talked to a different friend about what was going on and he gave me the best advice I took on the situation. He told me that I owe that guy nothing. If it bothered me that he was still contacting me after I told him that I didn’t want to see him, that I didn’t have to talk to him. I didn’t have to feel bad. I didn’t have to polite. He told me to block him and cut him out of my life. So I did. I blocked his number, I blocked his facebook. And thank god that was all. Thank god there wasn’t any other social media that he had followed me on. I look back at it and I am so happy I took that advice. For a while every time I went to NYC I was scared I would run into him but at least he didn’t have any way to contact me.

So while I look back onto that weekend pretty fondly, I do not look back at this guy fondly. I regret it. I wish I did things differently. I wish I didn’t think to give dating apps another try. I wish I decided not to meet a drug while I was on drugs. But it happened. And it’s done. The only reason I even wrote this post was so all of you could read a much happier part one. But the joyous times come with darker times. I’m glad I have the supportive friends that I do. Most importantly, I’m glad I listened to their advice and felt okay just cutting him out.

Social Detox

Since I have had a smart phone I have struggled with social media use. I don’t mean that I don’t know how to use it but that I use it too often and often in a way that hurts me. I obsess over why some guy that I am interested in stops talking to me. Trying to figure out from their social media interactions on what I did and why I don’t quite live up to what they want…

It’s not a healthy thing. It never has been. I get sad. I look at old pictures. I do embarrassing things such as accidentally call through Facebook messenger when I was just being lazy about viewing their profile (recently I did this, like literally last week). And for what? Do I get any benefit out of it? Do I get any joy? Does anyone ever call back (Ayyyyyy guy I called through FB messenger)? Do I get anything that makes me feel fulfilled and set with myself? No. It’s an addiction. So I’m going to try and quit, or at least take a break to then return with a more positive motivation.

I’m just tired of putting myself into a negative feedback loop of looking at all these guys that I’ve had some sort of relationship with (whether one night stand to seeing one another) and trying to figure out the moment it went wrong. The moment they thought it was okay to leave without saying anything, or saying something hurtful, or be flaky, or I am the one to be flaky and hurtful.

I want to focus on other things and I know social media is an excuse to procrastinate to not focus on those things. Because those things are hard and take work and effort and it’s easy to get lost in seeing other people’s achievements, travels, and relationships. I’ve caught myself thinking more about what I’m going to say about the things I’m doing instead of living in the present. I think about the way I portray myself to the world and hope that whoever I see next will think I’m cool and interesting and worth being with… And what should dictate that is me, not my social media. So goodbye for now Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook. Maybe I’ll return when I’m well and ready, hopefully I never do. Ironically enough this will be posted on Twitter.. but whatever. I’m a hypocrite and not perfect. I just wanted to talk myself through why I need to do this. Making a public declaration is helpful in stopping something. It holds you accountable… Maybe I’ll turn more to this blog and actually write up more posts! I’m sure you reader would love more stories of heartache with poor grammar. I know I do…

All My Lovers Are Moving to Florida

Why would anyone choose to move to Florida? Month after month there’s some story about the terrible things that are going on in Florida; some person ate someone’s face, some alligator ate someone’s child, some hurricane hit and the state needed to be evacuated. Well ironically enough, all of my old loves/ lovers are heading down to the Sunshine state.

It first happened when the guy I was seeing this past year got a job down there. Sure we did long distance for a little bit, but as they say long distance never works out. Sure I was crushed. Sure I cried through the heartache for a couple months. Sure I think about it now and again and get sad… But you know you just have to bounce back and go put yourself out there and meet new people.

So I did. I met a guy in Montreal who happens to live an hour away from where I live. So we hit it off. When he got back from vacation post Montreal he invited me to stay at his place. I thought he lived with some roommates in the city but no I was wrong… He lived at home. So that weekend when I went to go stay with him, I met his brother… and his mom… and his grandmother… within a month of knowing him. Sure we had a nice time together. Sure we went out dancing and I met all his friends on top of his family. Sure we haven’t talked that much since. Sure we’ll text here and there but he hasn’t made an effort to see me since, even though I’ve invited him down. (Is it me? You can tell me it’s me. I won’t be upset). My point, this guy is also in Florida currently for a job. When he told me he was going to fly down for work, I relived all the PTSD of the heartbreak I experienced with my previous love. The trip I took down to see him before I started my new job, the trip he took up to see me after I started my new job, the phone call the following weekend which ended the whole thing… All because of Florida. It’s ok Florida, I would take your sunshine over my sadness any day too.

But the kicker was this week. An old flame gave me some interesting news… That he got into a medical school nearby! I was excited that I would have another person I know close by! But I realized that we can’t be friends, since we had previously hooked up and he’s been with his girlfriend for years now, and that we would probably never hang out. So while I was creating these scenarios in my head, he proceeded to tell me that it’s between around here or South Florida. And I threw in my towel. Ok Florida. You can take another one. What is it about you? Is it the beaches? The alligators? The job prospects? You’re going to be underwater in the next 5-10 years the way climate change is happening. You helped vote in Donald Trump! Fine, take all of them. See if I care. Clearly I don’t. That’s why I wrote a blog post about it.

I’m Jack’s Complete Lack of Surprise

Dear readers,

It’s 11:30pm and I can’t sleep… My how the hours change as you get into the working world. I’ve been watching a lot of Friends and feeling especially self-loathing and self-deprecating the past week and a half. I can’t seem to stop the racing thoughts to let me go to bed. I decided to come back to my little blog of sadness and love, and write down what ever comes into mind. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be.

I watched an episode of Friends where Chandler said “I’m hopeless and desperate and looking for love.” which made me laugh really hard. Then I found the youtube clip, watched it another 2 or 5 times and burst into tears. The same tears that the Spotify Discovery Weekly playlist recognizes and uses to put in every dance/ remix/ mashup version of the song Bound 2 / Nobody to love. I’m glad that even modern age algorithms can pick up that yeah, I am tired of loving with nobody to love. Glad that Spotify knows my emotions. Or are you, Spotify, also tired of loving with nobody to love and are trying to send me a message? Am I being selfish and making this about me? Should I show you more love? I know I’ve been with Soundcloud a lot more lately but that doesn’t mean anything to me. We’re just hanging out.

Even now as I lay here I think about how all my thoughts are all shaped by lines that I’ve internalized from TV shows. “Your girl is lovely, Hubble” from Sex in the City, when Carrie understands why Mr. Big is with the woman that he’s with instead of her. Which lead me to think about Mr. Big and Carrie and their on and off again relationship. How can a person stay in your thoughts for such a long time? Why does closure happen for certain things but not others? Why is it always about timing? How do you get back to the level of just friends? Why do you start to tiptoe around? Are Mr. Big and Carrie really good for one another or are they just overly romanticized? So what makes you love their dysfunctional relationship?

I’m not going to bore you with more thoughts or questions dear reader. They’re the things I need to answer for myself. I just needed to write them down.

Like a Virgin

I have a couple posts that have been sitting in my drafts but the past two days I have gotten some inspiration to write. I have been listening to this AMAZING podcast called Guys We F***ed [] (pretty much the same idea that inspired this blog ie what I want this blog to be but I’m not as funny) is inspiration number one. Inspiration number two is the guy I lost my virginity to looked at my LinkedIn this week (What’s with all these LinkedIn boys – see Hot Med Student Kid). I have been thinking a lot about the night I lost my virginity so why not write about it.

I had my first kiss at 15 with my first boyfriend. It was sweet, in the rain, romantic, everything that the movies played out a first kiss to be. Unfortunately, my first boyfriend was emotionally abusive and from the first week we dated there was never a week that we didn’t fight. His family was very religious and stressed no sex before marriage. Although my ex boyfriend was not a virgin and I was we actually never had sex, the year and a half I was with him. After a year and a half of making me cut off ties with all my friends, controlling my life, and telling me that I was “book smart but not street smart,” he broke up with me. I was heartbroken, felt like I lost what little control I had, and became incredibly depressed. We got back together a couple times and after the last time we broke up that was it. I couldn’t go back, the little hope and trust I held on to was gone forever. I had a really supportive group of friends who helped me through the break up and were helpful in supporting me in not getting back together with him. It was a summer of fires, beaches, and being there for one another. In that group of friends was a set of twins A and B and they were about to be heading off to their freshman year in college. In that set of twins was a twin I was really into, all through high school, Twin B.

My senior year of high school comes. My ex boyfriend and I chat here and there and he wants to get back together (maybe it was power thing, we were AWFUL together). I kept saying no, that I needed some time, that I needed to figure it out aka stalling not getting back together. I thought that with time he would change his ways and we could get back together, but I was 17 and naive. So I decide to go visit Twin B at the college in October. My dad drove and dropped me off to my fate (little did he know). So I get into Twin B’s dorm room, drop off my stuff, and go to the dining hall with him. My ex-boyfriend calls me and it’s hard for me to hear him so I ask if I can call him back and he FLIPS. I hang up the phone and he started texting me how he only needed to talk to me for 5 minutes, why couldn’t I give him the light of day, why wasn’t I answering? I see where he was coming from, I was visiting a guy in college but my ex and I weren’t together and I owed him nothing. If he reacted differently maybe I would of stayed a virgin later into my life, hell maybe I would’ve never had sex and this blog wouldn’t exist.

So I turned my phone off and get back to the reason why I was there, to spend time with Twin B. Twin B and I went to a house party had a beer, went to the frat quad and we didn’t go in anywhere because I looked so young with braces and all (I was a hottie at 17. Glasses and braces. Oh Baby. It’s a miracle I lost my virginity). So we just went back to his dorm room. We decided to watch a movie aka the universal sign for lets make out and fool around. Twin B was also only the second person I had ever kissed. At the ripe age of 17. We don’t do anything more because his roommate was in the room, sorry roommate, and then we just go to bed. The following morning, when his roommate woke up to go shower and study, we started fooling around again. After a while I was like you know what, get a condom, lets do this. So, Twin B did. He put the condom on (yay protection and not yet being on birth control!) and put his penis in and we had sex. For some reason I always imagined that my body would feel different, or that something would happen, but nothing did. We talked about it afterwards and I didn’t feel any different, I didn’t feel like I was initiated into the world of the sexually active. I just felt like me except now I had to strip this label off if anyone asked me. We got breakfast, I hung out with one of my friends who also went to the same college, and then my dad picked me up later that day. It was like any other day.

We’re going to stay 18 forever

I sometimes wonder if my blog ever gets big if there’s artists are going to come back and sue me for using their song titles/ lyrics for titles. Honestly, I’m just not that creative with titles. But every guy I guess inspires some lyric that goes with them. Mainly the stories I haven’t written is because I haven’t thought of a clever enough title yet. Kudos to Brand New for this one.

Done with my rambling. This is to reflecting back to being 18 and naive and finding comfort years later.

Freshman year of college is arguably the best year of your college career. You’re fresh out of high school with new potential to meet new people with similar interests. You don’t know anything so you can arguably get away with almost anything. At the end of the night you end up back in your hall, cuddling with your friends, and it’s socially acceptable to keep your door open always to invite people to just come in and get to know you. A simpler time.

How does freshman year and this title go together? Well I was really into punk music going in from high school to freshman year. I listened almost exclusively to Brand New, Set Your Goals, Four Years Strong (you know those soft intro into punk bands bands), and would go to shows with my friends. One of my friends was in an art class with this one guy, lets call him Tim, who she told me a lot about. It was so long ago that maybe this friend can weigh in on how I actually met Tim but I think it was just that we happened to hang out in the same place and just got to talking.

Long story short, second semester freshman year rolls around there was an incident on our campus. Everything that we had planned got canceled and it ended up that a small group of us got together and Tim was there and we got to know one another and talked about whatever…. I honestly don’t even really remember how everything happened but he got my number and then one night he texted me late at night to come over to his fraternity. Years later I would find out, our mutual friend was the one that told him to just go for it, before I even knew said mutual friend. And guess what it worked, I came over. We did a quick hi as I came through the door and it quickly lead to a kiss. As we tried to go to his room it was occupied by his roommate and some girl he was seeing. So instead we had to find a different place which turned out to be the hot tub that they had. Again, a hot tub in a fraternity house. So romantic and so sanitary. (A girl in my biology lab later compared the bacteria in the hot tub against the dirty river next to our campus… Sooo sexy).

Anyways, we finished and I slept over. I left pretty early in the morning expecting never to talk to him again. But we did. I messaged him about a show and soon we started hanging out, going to some punk shows, me sleeping over and him sleeping over my place. During this time my bitch of a roommate, who by the way had her boyfriend sleep over every night, got upset with me when Tim came over after a barparty one night and slept over. Granted I should have told her before hand but she came in at 3am, freaked out, took her bedding off after making a commotion and proceeded to sit outside the room, sulk, and not talk to me even after I engaged with her because he slept over once since I started seeing him. Needless to say I ended up moving out of the room and up a few floors.

So things are great with Tim but of course we never have the exclusive talk. Because why have the exclusive talk? Ignorance is bliss as some might say. I was terrible and led guys on with no intention of sleeping with them because at the end of the day(night) I wanted to see Tim. Then it finally happened. Around spring break, almost a month and a half of us seeing one another Tim became distant. He wasn’t as responsive, didn’t seem to want to talk, and when I came back and slept over I felt so uncomfortable and wanted to leave the whole night because he clearly didn’t want me there. In hindsight, I wish I did. So finally we talk and he breaks the news, he started hooking up with someone else and was going to see her. I mean, as he said it, we weren’t exclusive. Even though I wanted to talk more about it and get closure he kept avoiding me and making excuses, even though I still hung out at his fraternity house. And then he went abroad.

I was so upset about it for so long. I remember I messaged him while he was abroad and it was just so strange. Like he felt annoyed that I wanted to talk, and he might have been.  I sure have felt that way about people, I just decided to take it personally back then. One thing that helped me during the semester he was gone, now my sophomore year, was this girls art project. She created a black box into which you can go into and read a letter to a person that you wanted to. I wrote him a letter and recorded it in that box. It was the release that I needed. After he came back abroad I still found it difficult to see him but faked it because I wanted to still be friends with him. He acted so cheery and happy like nothing happened, like we never happened, like I got the closure that I wanted, and I faked it along. He started dating a girl long term and I started seeing other people and always wondered what if.

Four years later, it seems like a common trend, more posts about that later, he comes back into my life. He visited the area a lot for work so we would randomly run into each other in the halls of campus. One time I knew he was in town was because of Tinder. I always got a little upset because he said he wouldn’t message me when he was in town and the only ways I knew he was around was when I literally randomly ran into him during the time he was visiting. Every time. Then after going to an event on diversity and race he invited me to go out to the bar for a friend’s birthday. I was exhausted but I went for a little bit, accidentally got drunk, had to stay and win the dance off, and then as I left he kissed me good bye. Four years later he kissed me goodbye. I was so confused. Why now?

We continued this for a couple months, only kissing nothing more. He would come over and we would have long talks with my roommate and then he would leave. Months after that incident he was back in town and I thought I loved someone and told him how I met someone (spoiler alert : jokes, I was not in love, only fooled into thinking it, drugs man. Crazy things). He kept asking me about it and finally one time when he was visiting and I was crying into his arms, no questions asked, I told him about the stress of grad school and the stress of the guy I ended things with. Again, he was there to comfort me which I appreciated. He came back to visit again and after we got to go into the hot tub at 1am after we talked the desk clerk to let us in he kissed me. But this time I decided to go into his room. And he said something that stuck out, “How nice it is to be with someone familiar”. I was a little offended. I thought I was glad I can be some sort of comfort but to use me as a comfort felt insulting. I left and drove back home because I had class and work and didn’t feel the need to stay and sleep.

That night gave me the closure that I needed. So many years later and it was the instance that made me think, why did I care so much about this in the first place? Closure is an interesting feeling, that all the sudden you come to peace with everything you were upset with before. It all connects and makes sense you can close it and put it away. So although I was naive in my young age, hell still naive at my old age of 24, at least I can come to peace with it. I still think fondly back to those times freshman year and think, “We’re going to stay 18 forever.”