I Know You’re Tired of Loving with Nobody to Love.

Shout out to the great Kanye for the title. The only song I have listened by him, and will probably listen by him (JK I listened through the Yeezus album). Lately I’ve been thinking about this: What does it mean to be in love (from a person who claims to be in love with everyone), does love last forever, how enduring is it, and is it really love? I guess this post is being written for the long awaited blog post reader who I have thought I’ve loved for a while, but can never quite tell.

It started my Junior year of college. We’ll call him Scott. There’s nothing special in the first times we met. I don’t even remember when we met. I just remember making comments how he always had hickeys on his neck from his now ex girlfriend. We saw each other around a lot mostly because we had the same group of friends, but never really talked. He performed in our schools Male Beauty Pageant in my friend’s talent act, in which they dropped him during a flip. But hey, that happens. So we never really saw each other, so how did any of this even come about?

Well that year I was supposed to be abroad and wasn’t so I commuted from home. I was staying with my friends a lot in their house. Along with a lot of other things that made me depressed that semester, I was very invested in another guy and found out that he had slept with me when he was blackout. I felt incredibly insecure, upset, and was not in a good place. In the three weeks after that incident I was driving from dinner with my friend who lived in the same house and he asked me how I was doing and I broke down crying, letting him know what had happened and how I was feeling about relationships, that year, and everything that was going on (Short story: Junior year was not a good year).  But that’s alright because my sister (Recently out of a relationship) and I were going to Puerto Rico for spring break with some of my fraternity friends! Obviously the best thing that could happen to two girls (Plus our other friend so three girls): going on spring break with 20+ guys. My break down to my friend happened days before leaving so I was very ready for vacation and sun.

Well we got there and my sister went off with my friends while I stayed in the hotel room to sleep (We woke up at 6am, missed out first flight, and spent the rest of the time in the sun, my body was tired and I was old (being 20 is hard)). So I was boring the first day and stayed in while everyone went out to the bars. But that’s alright because the next night, while everyone was sleeping from being hungover from the beach, and I was very awake, I looked at our group thread and saw that Scott and our other friend, Chase were in their room just talking and drinking. So I decided to go over and hang out. Chase told us about his summer job selling expensive knife sets and honestly, I wanted to buy a knife set from him. He was that convincing on why I needed them. Scott and I laughed and enjoyed Chase’s stories. Then my sister and our other friend, Gavin, came into the room and we all left to go out. I just remember at one point right before we left, Scott and I sat next to each other on the bed and for some reason I felt a spark. Weird how that happens, right?

Well we go to the bar, and there’s a lot of guys kissing one another, in the best fraternal brotherly love way! So I’m in a three way hug with Frat Friend #1 and Scott, and as they kiss, Scott leans down and gives me a kiss. For show or because he wanted to, we’ll never know? Unless he weighs in, he does read this blog btw. So back to socializing, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and it’s getting late. So our original crew tries to find a cab back and we get back to the hotel. My sister wanders off to go do her single girl thing and Scott and I decide to go “hang out” by the pool. (Mom, if you read this blog, I’m sorry) So we start hooking up by the pool and very quickly notice that there’s a person doing rounds. My room not being an option since there was sun burned people sleeping in it and my sister had taken Scott’s room for her own hanging out needs, we had to go find a more secluded place outside but hidden away from everyone. This hidden away place is 10 feet from the pool by the wall of the hotel. I find the most romantic situations don’t I? So we hook up, go over to the hot tub and chat and get to know one another, and then the rest of our friends and my sister come out. I wandered back with my sister to our hotel room and fell asleep.

The next morning Gavin, my sister, other friends, and I head out for some breakfast (We literally went to the same place all vacation) Gavin and I at one point got lost trying to find the restaurant, mostly cause we took a left when we should’ve taken a right but that’s another story. So we get to breakfast and a second crew shows up, with Scott in it, and Scott’s eye is completely red. Why? Because he accidentally put in the wrong contact solution that has Hydrogen peroxide (?Could someone clarify these details) in it and burned his eye. My dear Scott wants to be a doctor, but everyone makes mistakes when someone explicitly tells you not to use their contact solution. So he shows up to breakfast with a burning red eye. And I laughed. Because there’s not much else to say in that situation. We left breakfast to go to the beach and day drink, leaving Scott’s red eye and crew behind.

So we continued seeing each other for the rest of vacation. There was that time that I went to go shower before going out to dinner and mid-shower I heard a knock on my door and it was Scott. Shampoo in my hair and a towel over my body I was taken aback that he was here in my room with me looking the way that I did. I quickly let him in and retreated to the shower mortified that he had seen me out of my element. (What element?!). So eventually I got out, changed, and started to do my hair while chatting with him. To make this story a little less  confusing I should backtrack. Before we went on vacation Gavin (Gavin, my sister, me, and Gavin’s little were all sharing a room) told me that if I hooked up in the room I would have to pay for all of it. Well awkward cause as Scott and I started hooking up someone walked in, saw feet, and left. It was over. I would be out hundreds of dollars. Side note I wasn’t, I just had to switch beds.

We spent the days talking, drinking, seeing our friends and the nights lying on the beach, walking around various neighboring hotel pools, and trying to catch up with the rest of the crew after we had enough alone time.

Readers, I should leave this blog post here. To preserve that memory, to not ruin the image of Scott. To only remember the warm sun, salty ocean crashing into us after we kissed, his flirtatious ways that I was naive and though we’re only for me… But this blog is about heartbreaks as well…

Fast forward 2 days after we get back from vacation. It’s St Patrick’s day, I’ve been talking to some other guy as well during spring break, did I mention I suck as a person, and I see him in Starbucks. I get upset because he was supposed to text me when we were back. I always look back and wonder, if he actually texted me would things have worked out differently between Scott and me. What if I had texted him since it shouldn’t be all on him? So I was talking to my best friend and told her about Scott and was like you know things went well between us, I should just text him. And I did. And because it was at Patrick’s day I went over to see him and drink and hang out. From what I remember we hooked up but that was a long time ago.

A week later there was a huge party in the fraternity I hung out with. So I brought my sister and went with my best friend. It was fun until I saw Scott talking to another girl and I had an internal freak out. I realized that I kept wanting to see him outside of just hooking up, I was scared of it just ending, I didn’t want it to end so soon. So I went upstairs and cried. One of my friends asked me about it and I spilled out everything to him only to run into Scott moments later, get locked in a room because security was walking through, and learned Scott took recreational drugs. So there I was crying into his arms about my insecurities while he told me everything about his life. We were a mess. My sister had gone off somewhere, I stayed up til 4am in the house only to end up sleeping in Scott’s bed while Scott slept on the floor and his friend from home slept in his roommates bed. I repeat, we were a mess.

After this we kept slowly seeing more and more of one another. I went to go study with him, we would go get ice cream and chipotle burritos, he even took me to Moes for the first time in my life. So romantic I know, but I remember thinking it was sweet. Here’s this first guy I’ve cared about, for the first time in a long time, and wanted to spend time outside of just sleeping with him once, rolling out of bed the next day, and only saying hi when we run into each other. I actually wanted to know about him. He fascinated me. He put up a front but was a lover of art and art history, anime, neuroscience.

Before I start getting into the bitter sweet stuff I should let you know for context that Scott had recently gotten out of a relationship, had mainly been in long term relationships, had family issues arise, and was a typical sophomore questioning his worth in academics and worrying about what he can do in the future. We’ve all been there.

Again, before we get to the bittersweet stuff, I just want to remember a couple more sweet memories. There was one time we were in our school stacks, “studying” til 3am which was actually studying with a hint of showing past pictures on our Facebook , telling stories from our families, and hooking up. I still think to this day the person doing rounds either came right as we finished, or knew and waited to do rounds. I remember going to our friends band and him yelling out random stuff but looking down and kissing me, watching Drive where he fell asleep on me and I drove home after, watching half of Django Unchained and spending the night, having to get creative on where we hooked up because his roommate went to bed early, getting caught hooking up by student patrol and talking our way out of it then after staying up til 3am talking. There’s more good memories I’ll keep writing. We were even talking one time and I suggested he should stay the summer and he said he was most likely staying, and I was so excited.

But this isn’t a story that’s all lighthearted . There was a lot of bad within the good. For one, he told me at a bar party he was hooking up with other people and we talked about it and decided to be exclusive in the sense that we could make out with anyone, since he hadn’t slept with those people, but not sleep with other people. I at least kept up my half which I found out years later that he hadn’t.  There was another girl that was blatantly into him and he denied it every time I brought it up to him, he ended up taking her to formal using the excuse that she had asked him to her formal and couldn’t unask her cause he didn’t want to be that guy, but hey that’s fine to do to me. I wanted to take him to my date party but didn’t ask because he always complained about how much studying he had to do, only for him to go to another formal with another girl the following day. I cried a lot into Scott’s arms. To this day he has shirts stained with my mascara

I was stupid. My best friend and I went on a run and I told her everything and cried and realized I should end things. And I tried and said the words to Scott but then as we were sitting on the warm sunny quad at dusk I took it back in moments. I was stupid.

So the year ended, he went on a break with me, even though quote: there’s nothing to go on a break from since we weren’t dating. And we kept talking because I couldn’t let go.

When he came back we were both in an awkward place, I didn’t have a car and couldn’t move into my place yet so I was staying with my close friends, but Scott as well couldn’t move into his place so he was also staying with my close friends. I tried to be avoidant and sleep upstairs, but one night I decided to sleep downstairs with him in his bed and we turned back into the rut he was trying to get out of.

So we kept seeing each other, he took me out for dinner for my birthday and out for drinks with my friends when I turned 21. He bought me a shot and complained about the price of it later. He helped me pack up my room and move into my new house. We fought about various things that are too personal to put here.

After a party we had one night, my roommate ended up sleeping in my bed and we went back to his place. I packed up my glasses and retainer and was giddy and maybe it was the too many drinks but after we brushed our teeth and I put my retainer in he just looked down at me and said this is too datey. And I cried. And wanted to leave. But he felt bad and asked me to sleep over and held me all night and I didn’t sleep, just wanted to leave and be anywhere else.

So it ended. And I started seeing other people, his friends, my friends. Then on July 4th he had a party and the girl that was blatantly into him was there. We got to talking and I told him I started hooking up with other people and he got upset and said he hadn’t hooked up with anyone. 2 hours later of fighting and me taking him away from that girl and he admitted that he slept with her. I had a panic attack and cried and we both went our separate ways.

Later in the summer I saw him very obviously leave with another girl and I felt like he was rubbing it in my face. I may have slept with a lot of people but I didn’t parade it around. So I texted him something mean and ignored him for the next 3 months, cried about it to one of my friends, and hooked up with someone. Readers I was a mess after junior year. Hell I still am.

He started dating the girl he left with that night. I’m sure they had their rough patches getting to the point of dating, but they started dating. And it killed me because our whole relationship he told me how he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he wanted to be his own person. So we talked in October for the first time, and it was calm except when I got mad about him sleeping with that girl but making me feel bad about myself for sleeping with other people. And I stopped ignoring him, and we would snapchat here and there and talk.

And this went on for two years. After I got back from Russia he was one of the first people I texted, because i ran into a mutual friend and he told me to text Scott about the details of watching a soccer game. Surprise, surprise he told me the details but never told me when they were leaving. We chatted and that was that.

A year out of college we would talk at the bars if we saw each other and text and snapchat and I was always okay with it because I knew he had a girlfriend and he loved her. The part that got hard was recently when they broke up. I had heard about it through the grapevine. And I ignored it, knowing I would get sucked back into the pain and hurt I felt so many years ago. I wanted nothing more than to hang out and see him but I kept myself occupied with work and friends and other people I was seeing. But he kept snapchatting me, asking me to come out but I would go to sleep instead. We even talked to the point knowing we would see each other and he walked by me, without acknowledgment. He said it was the look in my face, that I didn’t want to see him and it was probably true. I wasn’t upset when he walked by me and didn’t say anything to me. I knew that’s who he was. Hiding behind his phone, because the only time we ever discussed our problems was when he was drunk and the only time we would talk is through snapchat. Why would I think he would change 2 years later and actually invite me to see him and hang out outside of snapchat?

So we saw each other on graduation day and had a quick kiss before I left. Nothing special. The next day I was exhausted and at work but I went over to his place to nap and help him pack and move. Nothing happened. We just talked and I admitted that when I found out he would be in the same city for the next two years, I was disappointed because I just wanted space away from him. That every time I looked at him and thought if our timing and circumstances were different, if something could have actually happened and we could have been together. I told him I still really liked him, we hugged, and he drove to go home for the month.

We talked (snapchatted) a lot and then I heard that he got back together with his girlfriend. So I blocked him. Because I thought to myself, what are you doing? Why are you playing into something that’s not going to happen? And I knew I didn’t have the willpower to ignore him because I wasn’t angry enough, so I knew the only way i wouldn’t respond was to block him. And then he came to visit and we just said hi and didn’t talk, and then he came back for good and told me blackout how it’s complicated what was going on with him and his (ex) girlfriend. So I gave in an added him back. I ended up seeing him the next night with my friends and we continued talking and he told me about his life problems. Then we all stayed up til 5am. In that night he poked with spoon, almost burned my foot on the stove when I was trying to get a bowl, we did the lift from dirty dancing and failed, listened to levels, we talked about our futures and he told me how his job fell through. Then at 5am our friend drove me and my other friends home and I said goodbye and he watched the sun rise.

Then I went on vacation and  he went on an interview. I told him before I left that it would be nice to talk sober in person and he agreed. When we got back we didn’t talk but that Tuesday everyone was going to a bar close by because one of other friends who was abroad for a year was back. I drove us to the bar and put on Sunday Candy and as I sang he sang along too. At the bar I tried my hardest to avoid him and then I couldn’t any longer and we talked and I tried to lean in and kiss him and was rejected. And I felt like a fool and wanted to disappear and leave. So I drove everyone home (it was 1am by this point) but he asked for a ride home too. We dropped off the first group and then I put on Sunday Candy again and we drove singing at the top of our lungs and laughing and smiling and happy. Then I dropped him off and I cried. I cried because he was leaving the next day to move to a new city in which he found a new job. I cried because I felt like it was too short. I cried because I was thrown off guard. I cried because I knew that unless we all went out together that night, I wouldn’t of been able to say goodbye.

I drove home and sobbed, then texted him and came back and we talked until 3am. I told him how I felt about him, the situation, the past two years, the future, and got the closure I was looking for. He told me about his family, how he was going to try long distance, and I didn’t want to the night to end because I didn’t want to accept that this was the last time we would really talk but then I had to leave and go to bed and go to work. As I left, I told him that I would be visiting the city he was moving to in October to visit my other friends. We talked about how we would get burritos from Annas and catch up. But those are just words.

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