You’re in for such a treat. I’ve been writing so many blog posts this month. Maybe it’s the depression. Maybe it’s because I’ve been crying a lot for the past 2 weeks. Maybe it’s because I’m avoiding a talk instead of having the talk and just playing out terrible scenarios in my head. Until that point let me write to you about a guy that I was seeing who I meant to have a talk with after a couple dates and was the terrible person that I am and didn’t.
It happened when I was visiting my friend in NYC. I went out for drinks with her and her roommates and friends. We got some blue drinks with colorful umbrellas. Those drinks that the bartenders roll their eyes because they’re a hassle to make and they’re already busy. Those drinks that even though they’re a hassle to make and you’re either going to tip extra out of the guilt the bartender made you feel with that look in his eyes or tip a dollar because that’s all you tip on a drink that costs seven dollars. Those delicious obnoxious drinks. So we had one and took a picture with one. She had a lot of her close friends there and I got to talking to one. He was really nice, we talked about work, he talked about how he knew about the city I was living in because he was working on a case that dealt with a lot of the state law. We chatted for a while and then some old friends who I hadn’t seen in a while came through and I left to go chat with them. As the bars got crowded and as we decided to go into a different bar I stood outside talking to my old roommate, my friend’s roommate, and this new guy, Kyle. I thought Kyle was cute and smart and even though he usually stayed out later he left early to go get some sleep before supporting their mutual friends in the marathon.
I hadn’t really dated that past year. There was a person here or there but that was about it. I was still pretty heartbroken over ending things with that long distance guy. It was hard to move forward and put myself out there. The times that I did, I usually didn’t like the dates I went on or gave off a vibe of not wanting to be there. But I wanted to get to know Kyle. I told my friend that I would like to see him the next time I was in the city and the next few times I visited he was out of town. So finally right after new years, I went to my friend’s apartment. He came over. We watched some broad city and then when she went upstairs we continued to talk. We talked about books and art. I can’t remember everything else we talked about but we were so tired we just both wanted to go to bed. As he left he got my number and we planned to have breakfast the next morning.
The next morning came, he texted me and we went on all day date! We got breakfast, which turned out to be lunch at a sit-down restaurant. We talked about politics, social justice, books, art, dream, not dreams, and other things I cannot remember. After we went back to the apartment, grabbed my friend who I was staying with and went to an exhibit at the Met Breuer. It was by the artist, Kerry James Marshall. Stop reading right here. Go google him.
You googled him? You fell in love with his work? Me too. My poor friend who third wheeled our date. Kyle and I took our dear sweet time going to each piece of art, examining it, talking about it, and discussing the meaning behind it. I was so attracted to his intellect. How much he knew. I guess I forgot to mention that he went to a pretty amazing Ivy League school. Basically, when I told my friends where he went, they told me to lock him down. After the three of us got some coffee, my friend left and Kyle and I walked through Central Park. It started raining a little bit and then we went to a castle in the park. That’s right, NYC is so amazing that they have a mother fucking castle in the middle of the mother fucking park. Talk about design. So we went in to escape the rain and just overlooked Central Park and NYC in the rain and took it all in. I don’t remember exactly how it happened but we had a lull in our conversation and I ended up kissing him. And we kissed for a little bit overlooking the grey city. And then he said nicely, that we should move on since it’s a little strange to make out in such a public place. So we got on the subway still chatting, saying how we had a nice time, he got off, and I went to my dinner in Brooklyn.
We texted here and there and a month later when I went to NYC we went out to dinner. We got sushi, chatted, got something sweet (aka I got something sweet), sat on a park bench and talked about family and other random things I don’t really remember. Just watching the cars go by, people watching the people in NYC, and I had other plans so we went to the subway, had a kiss goodbye and I went to my next event.
A month later I came back and invited him to go to a friend’s concert. What I didn’t realize was during these events, ALL my friends show up. And at that point, all I wanted to do was talk to them. And I felt bad because I felt like I had to be by him (even though he was really great and social and talked to other people and made a new friends). He went out with me to a friends apartment, went to Brooklyn with me to a different friends apartment, we made out in the hallway, I told him that the next night I would want to actually just spend time with him, and then went back into the apartment because I just really wanted to sleep… And I don’t really know why I did the next thing that I did…
The next day came and maybe it was the lack of sleep, a long work week, or thinking about how all I wanted to do was go the concert and see my friends. I wanted to spend time with my friends, I think, was the core of it all. He texted me about plans to go dancing and get tickets to a venue… And I bailed and told him I just wanted to see my friends. I had explicitly told him that I wanted to spend the day with him literally 8 hours before and there I was, taking it all back, hiding behind my phone. It wasn’t right. He texted back saying Ok, I understand and left it at that. I ended up going to a bar for a friend’s birthday, my phone died, I was exhausted, I got drunk, I went back with my old roommate and walked to my other friend’s apartment that I was staying at, charged my phone, turned it on. It was 3am and our mutual friend had texted me asking what I was doing and to come out. I told her I just got in and fell asleep. The next day I got drunk at brunch, slept it off, and drove over hungover back home.
The next time I went to NYC I told him I wanted to explain myself and get coffee. He said he was making plans and I told him to not make plans considering me because I might not be able to make it. A friend was around who got married and I barely saw him so I wanted to spend time with him and our other friends. We all went to Central Park, tried to find the sun through the sun lens he got for his telescope, my old roommate and I got dinner with our other old roommate, and I drove home.
I think about why I did that. I think about why I did the same shitty things to him that happen to me. I think about how stressed I get trying to see everyone in NYC everytime I go in. I think about how I carved out this time for him and then ultimately, did I feel like he was another person I had to add to the list of people to see? Did I imagine that we had to do long distance? I thought about how I make up these scenarios instead of taking it slow and seeing where it led. I thought about how much effort he would become to see him everytime I came in. I thought about how to make him a part of my friend group. That’s not fair. That’s not fair that he felt like a chore. That’s not fair that I got stressed instead of excited. I still one day want to explain myself to him. I hope one day I can. Until then I’m going to continue working through whatever mess of a personality I have and make myself a better person. A person doesn’t deserve to be treated like that, or to have someone be flakey on them. I’m part of the problem in today’s dating world….